Getting More Off My Chest.

I'm writing a follow up to my previous posts here:

http://worldpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!2AA66E340D37A86C!2662.entry

http://worldpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!2AA66E340D37A86C!2661.entry

Ah, those fuckers. I guess they're cackling and laughing with glee about how they rubbed me off.

I'm in Shanghai now. I intend to find a job here in a university. Damn feckin' difficult. Anyway, I arrived last July 21st, I think. I flew in on a plane and the next morning I, along with many others, tried to see the solar eclipse but we only say clouds. Still, it was a total solar eclipse and the sky went completely dark more or less for over 6 minutes. That was good to see. Anyway, usually when I post to my blog (and I'm sorry I wasn't posting much recently or indeed anything recently which I know is a scandal but I write in my CV/resume of all places that one of my hobbies is updating my bleedin' blog!!). .Anyway, where was I?, usually when I post to my blog, I like to write somethings constructive. I guess I have a few constructive things to say. I'm staying in a hostel near Jing An temple in Shanghai. I have my own private room but it's costing a fortune. Like 220 rmb a night!! That's like 23 euros. My dear beloved mum is paying and, well, I told her that I'll look for a job in a university as an English language teacher as soon as possible. [sighs]. Anyhow, on a positive note, I will say that I found a gym beside West Nanjing Street subway station which I go to. I took out a month's membership. I've been going for the last 5 days solid which is damn good because for the previous bleedin' 4 weeks I did no feckin' exercise whatsoever so I guess this is something where I may be acclimatizing to Shanghai at least. Funny thing is though. I discovered a gym just around the corner from my hostel (literally just around the corner) *after* I took out membership of the gym beside West Nanjing Street subway station. Well, damn. I also bought a bike. A reliable Giant bike. I had one of those in Beijing so I think it's a good bike. But, again, a few days ago, I discovered that there was a bleedin bike store again just around another corner (liberally) to my hostel. I had gone quite a distance to get mine. A tip. Shanghaiexpat.com is a great website for finding info. Use the forum there. Packed with information. Also, I believe they organize coffee meetings on Saturday and Sunday afternoons for expats. I really ought to go to those. I lived in Beijing for 3 years and I am determined that there aren't any nasty surprises in store now that I have this plan to stay in Shanghai at least for a year. Just got to get the feckin' job.

Any tips about getting a bleedin' job in Shanghai greatly appreciated.

I hate those recruiter guys and yet, again and fuckin' again, I gravitate towards them. You know, that brings me back to that message board I was barred from at the beginning of July. I wrote about that in two previous posts. I will give the Boss of that message board/pub credit. He had his head screwed on tight. Stay away from those feckin' recruiters he would say. Get a decent job. So go DIRECT to the university or wherever it is you want to find work. Why don't I just do that? Why do I have to loll under this funk?

But, anyway, I want to get mad at this boss guy of the message board I was kicked out of. He called me a schizoid paranoid and refused to give me a reason why he barred me and wrote that he wouldn't read my reply (so I didn't send him one). I was thinking to myself. Why not apologize to him? Apologize to him for what? For speaking my mind, IN A PRIVATE MAIL crossposted to the Admin. Good grief!!

Oh, and the Admin. He dismissed my accusation that a particular commenter on the forum was "flaming/trolling me". He replied dismissively that I didn't know what a flame/troll was. I guess he thought that I was just fucking new to the computer thing. Those fuckers in that pub. I guess they're having a good eternal laugh at my expense. I guess like any bad experience I got to live it down. Could take months and months or maybe even years and years. BASTARDS. Should I apologize? Okay, I wanted my status upgraded to the member plus option. You gotta understand that I was kinda new to the message board thingy. So, yeah, I could apologize and say something like , "Here, my friend", or "Here, dude". "I'm new to the message board thing. I may have been too pressing and impatient with you for which I am sorry. Ha. One: he may not read it since he's already told me that he's not going to read my stuff. Two: Why the fuck do I always have to apologize to every fuckin' person? Forget, Paul, and move on.

His board was actually kinda good. There was a private place to discuss contracts for example and the boss himself did give stellar advice about not gravitating to those ubiquitous recruiter guys and taking those fucking jobs.

[sighs] I guess I just have to accept my status of being an also-ran on this board. HeHe I wish that this will be the last fucking post on his message board. There are other message boards like the Shanghai expat one which I think is better because it's more open and, for example, more Chinese people can post and contribute. I'll delve into that one. I hate now all the sucking up I did to that Boss man. BASTARD. I wish I hadn't done that. He'd just turn around and fucking stab me in the back. BASTARD. That's life I guess. Well, I hope he enjoys his pub and he and his friends/drinking buddies/mates are happy in his establishment. [sighs].

Anything else to write? Anything else for a schizoid paranoid to write? Hmm... BASTARD!!! You know I do see a purpose of a blog to let off steam. BASTARD!!!. He sent me a post on the 28th of June, this Yankee, this Boss man, telling me that I should say thank you more on his fucking message board. He was told this by anonymous sources. I should have seen that as a clear enough signal to get the fuck out of his board. If he doesn't respect me enough to reveal whose those fuckers are, then he doesn't respect me at all. And, he says to me, oh, BASTARD, in his final dismissive insulting e-mail that this is why I had to waite before getting the member plus option so that he can figure out if I'm a suitable candidate. AS IF I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW THAT ALREADY. Wanker.

After his e-mail of the 28th of June, I should have sent a reply along these lines.

"Well, if you're not going to reveal your sources, then there's no point in posting any more to your message board.". Or better still!!, not reply at all!! Forget him. But, I always try to make extra work for myself. Why?!! I fuckin' don't know. A lack of self-confidence I suppose. A believe that I always have to prove myself again and again. You know the affliction of the unloved guy. He has to keep knocking at the door to love and acceptance otherwise he will be left by the way. You know, the philosophy that says that you gotta behave like a selfish fascist to survive, the survival of the fittest thing. God I behaved like a fucking confused pillock with him, giving him his cue to call me a "schizoid paranoid" a little later on. What did I do? I'll tell you again. I wrote an e-mail that took me 2 fucking hours to write to disprove his point that I wasn't saying thank you on the board and that I was "blowing off" some of the established members. WHAT FUCKIN' BULLSHIT. Why should I fight this bullshit? Clearly, he didn't want me on the board with his e-mail of June 28th. That was fuckin' obvious. I should have just took the hint. But, me, I have to put on the struggling guy hat. I'm a struggler. I'm an eternal fighter. I'm a...a... schizoid paranoid. I had to prove to him that I was worthy of his love and acceptance. Well, fuck that!! Stop that shit, Paul. You are on your own certainly in this world just like any other guy who strives to be successful and happy. Love yourself, stop expecting others to grant to you, by waving their magic wand, their love. Fuck that. [sighs].

This post I wanted to write last week. And last week I wanted to write it the week before that. And the week before that, I wanted to write it the week before that. Only now, I'm gettin' around to it. Damn. [sighs]. Why do I put up with this? Stop trying to prove yourself to others. You're great. God loves you. You are accepted. You are good. You don't have to prove yourself in fuckin' contest. It's not a fuckin' Hollywood movie. Stop dramatizing things. Relax and open your eyes and discover that you are, indeed, love and accepted!!

And these fuckers, The Admin and the Boss. Maybe, a day will come when I will thank them. But, not today. Ah, well, that's life. Life is also about knocks as well as breakthroughs. Ultimately maybe even the knocks outweigh the breakthroughs because ultimately we will die. But, by jove, we'll go down fuckin' fighting. And this boss guy and the admin, laugh on. I'll bear my teeth and bear it. .

Now, that I hope I got this fucking funk out of my way, I can fucking well write about other things on my blog.!!

I hope.